Daddy

Up until a few months ago, I deeply struggled w/ my relationship w/ my father. I spent most of my childhood w/ my mother, except for summer visits w/ my father. Though, he provided for me as best he could being thousands of miles away, I grew up feeling completely unloved & unable to live up to his expectations. I moved to Houston in 2000, mostly b/c of his request to have me here for my college years. I experienced so much emotional turmoil my first couple years in Houston, & I attributed most of it to him. At various times, we tried to discuss & mend the relationship, but most attempts were unsuccessful.

Lately, he's been taking classes for an executive MBA program. Oddly enough, most of the books that he's been required to read are related to interpersonal relationships & leading a purposeful life. As a result, he's been much more emotionally aware & available.

This past Wednesday, I went out w/ my best friend to celebrate her birthday. Our "girl's night" was quickly interrupted by two random guys that invited themselves to sit @ our table. By the end of the night, I'd been tossed from guy# 1 who was married & from Atlanta to guy# 2 who was single & from Los Angeles. Unfortunately, I knew I could attribute most of the attention to the attire that I'd chosen for the night. Though I had considered it to be a "throw-on" choice, it honestly did not convey that. It was a slinky, metallic silver dress accompanied by silver, patent-leather f*ck me sandals. I now wish that I would've put on some different shoes @ least, but they were all I had to match the dress; however, it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyhow. So guy# 2 escorted my friends & I to our respective vehicles. Coincidentally, I was last. So, he of course, asked for my #, & gave me the whole spill about it being his last night & how he wanted to see me before he left.... blah, blah, blah! I gave him my #, the correct one, for no reason @ all. I was in no way attracted to him & already feeling a way about the entire night.

Not to mention, I downed two glasses of Remy Martin & two other random drinks during the course of the night. But, I didn't feel it until shortly after I began driving home. Unfortunately, I am an emotional drunk, & mostly b/c I try my hardest to fight emotions when I'm sober. So, as I drove home, I allowed my mind to process how once again, I'd been deemed the "late night hype," the "easy one," the "freak".... whatever you want to call it. I begin to question why I always received the type of treatment that the aforementioned terms/phrases warrant. I was confused. I was hurt. I was lonely. My ego needed boosting. Also unfortunate about most of my drunken episodes, is that for the past 3 years, there has been a reoccurring character that receives my "No one cares about me," "I'm in love w/ you" phone calls. However, I knew that I couldn't call him b/c I knew that he wouldn't provide the answers or concern that I needed. Added to that, we exhausted the scope of our relationship a long time ago. So, I thought about the person that I'd mention in a previous post (I'm @ Peace), but due to the circumstances of our situation, I knew that it would cause more harm to my already shattered ego. So, I called "the source."

I realized that all the times that I'd EVER tried to reach out to a man, I was trying to reach out to him. I realized that I could never love a man, b/c I'd yet learned how to love him. I could never understand a man, b/c I'd yet to understand him. I called my father. & initially, I was just calling him to ask why men were the way that they were. I wanted to know what was it that I did to warrant advances that were sometimes totally disrespectful. & though I knew that it wasn't just me, I needed the comfort of someone that really cared about me to overshadow the actions of someone that really didn't. & as we began talking, thousands of pounds were lifted from my shoulders. Fears, concerns, experiences, & insecurities that I had no intention of revealing were revealed. I completely disclosed who I was to a person that I'd long assumed knew me. How could he not? I laughed, I cried, I exhaled.

We talked for more than two hours. I had enough consciousness to undress & get in the bed before I passed out into a drunken sleep. Unfortunately, I work up the next morning w/ the absolute worst hangover that I've ever experienced. I attempted a full day's work, but had to return home around 2 b/c I'd spent most of the day praying to the "porcelain god!" But, that morning, I called my daddy, & to my surprise, it was truly the start of a new relationship. He expressed his gratitude for the previous night's conversation, & said that he'd prayed for me that night & morning (the man doesn't even attend church). & each day since has been made anew b/c I honestly know that I have someone that has my back. I have someone that I can turn to in the midst of random confusion & frustration. I have someone that knows me, & wants to know more. I have someone willing to understand me.

So many of us fail to understand the importance of a father in our lives, & the lives of our children. I can't even begin to compare the value of a mother. But, the value that a father brings is so intangible, so misunderstood, & taken for granted. It's why we look for balance in our relationships as women. We want a man that is affectionate & emotional, but also strong, b/c that's what a father should be. It so important for a woman to be able to confide & trust in her father. So often, the baggage that we carry, men & women, is baggage from our childhood. For most of us, we didn't know how to convey our frustrations & confusions to our parents, especially our fathers. & sometimes it's b/c he's physically absent, & other times it's b/c he's emotionally absent. Whatever, the case may be, I pray that my testimony gives some insight into the importance of a relationship between a father & daughter.