Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Invisible
Today I feel invisible.... like no one sees me or hears me. & then I wonder why it even matters. But, the truth is, who wants to be alone in this world? & @ the same time, I pity those people who recruit random people into their lives to feel validated. So, in that moment, I decide to rebel against the system & baste in my loneliness, to embrace it like a shield. But like any ego, I look forward to tomorrow when I recover from this self-defeating moment, & fill my day w/ meaningless activities that are supposed to speak to my greater purpose; in which I'm still not sure of.... & in the middle of this self-searching moment, I get an ego-driven confirmation from someone that I care for deeply, someone that could potentially be the cause of this tumultuous moment that I'm experiencing. But, am I validated by this confirmation, is my day made better? Have I overcome those previous feelings? Not really b/c I know that my contentment, my life, can't be based on the actions of others. So, in this moment, I pick myself up & start over again.
Re-introduction
Allow me to re-introduce myself (Jay-z's song just ran thru my head as I finished that line!) But, I've been gone QUITE a while! I got burned out w/ the whole blogging process, btw keeping up w/ others' posts & trying to create my own, I lost interest. Mostly b/c I felt like I couldn't compete, & I became so inundated w/ info that it overwhelmed me, but also b/c I wasn't inspired by anything enough to write. But today, I decided to resurrect... we'll see how long this lasts, though; my a.d.d is probably the biggest obstacle in my life, I just can't seem to focus on 1 thing for too long.
Brief update.... I spent the better part of the summer obsessing over my career; believing that I should do something else. I literally had anxiety attacks over the issue, only to calm down & realize that I'm in the right place @ the right time. I've also enrolled in additional classes to complete the requirements for taking the CPA exam; though I have no intentions on staying in accounting for longer than 2 more years. I've had my usual random, short-term dating life that fizzled as quickly as it was ignited, & then my usual mainstays that just won't go away but won't commit, just lingering around for a quick fix every once in a while. Hmmmm.... I think that's it!
Happy reading to you all!
Brief update.... I spent the better part of the summer obsessing over my career; believing that I should do something else. I literally had anxiety attacks over the issue, only to calm down & realize that I'm in the right place @ the right time. I've also enrolled in additional classes to complete the requirements for taking the CPA exam; though I have no intentions on staying in accounting for longer than 2 more years. I've had my usual random, short-term dating life that fizzled as quickly as it was ignited, & then my usual mainstays that just won't go away but won't commit, just lingering around for a quick fix every once in a while. Hmmmm.... I think that's it!
Happy reading to you all!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Kells
So, Kells was acquitted.... I don't know how I feel about it. I guess I haven't really thought about it. The trial has been postponed so many times that the initial shock of the incident died like eons ago. I don't even remember when it happened, I just remember that I was disgusted, & still am. I'm disgusted by Mr. Kelly in general. While he's been a music genius for most of his career, his pathetic attempt these past couple years to fund his trial & whatever other ills/issues he's encountered, has been rather annoying & embarrassing. Other than his music, I don't think I've heard one positive thing about this man. So, I feel no sense of triumph for the outcome of his trial. Hopefully, he'll check ID's & keep his nasty ass out of trouble.
Anywho, ran across this Newsweek article via The Root, http://www.newsweek.com/id/142472 . I don't know the race of the writer of the article, but it really doesn't matter. I'm so tired of the media speaking on black people like we're a damn scientific experiment. The writer wants to understand how black women could support Kelly's acquittal... that's for no one to understand. White people do the same damn thing for their favorite celeb. & even if they don't, so what. Who cares... & they construct these articles like we're a secret society, & they're revealing our most treasured secrets..... Well, they're not, they pretty much did that when they started raping our culture; stealing our music, language, clothing, etc. I'm rambling, but I'm as disgusted w/ this article as I am w/ Kells. It's so elementary, but maybe that's b/c it's about Kells....
Anywho, ran across this Newsweek article via The Root, http://www.newsweek.com/id/142472 . I don't know the race of the writer of the article, but it really doesn't matter. I'm so tired of the media speaking on black people like we're a damn scientific experiment. The writer wants to understand how black women could support Kelly's acquittal... that's for no one to understand. White people do the same damn thing for their favorite celeb. & even if they don't, so what. Who cares... & they construct these articles like we're a secret society, & they're revealing our most treasured secrets..... Well, they're not, they pretty much did that when they started raping our culture; stealing our music, language, clothing, etc. I'm rambling, but I'm as disgusted w/ this article as I am w/ Kells. It's so elementary, but maybe that's b/c it's about Kells....
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Daddy
Up until a few months ago, I deeply struggled w/ my relationship w/ my father. I spent most of my childhood w/ my mother, except for summer visits w/ my father. Though, he provided for me as best he could being thousands of miles away, I grew up feeling completely unloved & unable to live up to his expectations. I moved to Houston in 2000, mostly b/c of his request to have me here for my college years. I experienced so much emotional turmoil my first couple years in Houston, & I attributed most of it to him. At various times, we tried to discuss & mend the relationship, but most attempts were unsuccessful.
Lately, he's been taking classes for an executive MBA program. Oddly enough, most of the books that he's been required to read are related to interpersonal relationships & leading a purposeful life. As a result, he's been much more emotionally aware & available.
This past Wednesday, I went out w/ my best friend to celebrate her birthday. Our "girl's night" was quickly interrupted by two random guys that invited themselves to sit @ our table. By the end of the night, I'd been tossed from guy# 1 who was married & from Atlanta to guy# 2 who was single & from Los Angeles. Unfortunately, I knew I could attribute most of the attention to the attire that I'd chosen for the night. Though I had considered it to be a "throw-on" choice, it honestly did not convey that. It was a slinky, metallic silver dress accompanied by silver, patent-leather f*ck me sandals. I now wish that I would've put on some different shoes @ least, but they were all I had to match the dress; however, it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyhow. So guy# 2 escorted my friends & I to our respective vehicles. Coincidentally, I was last. So, he of course, asked for my #, & gave me the whole spill about it being his last night & how he wanted to see me before he left.... blah, blah, blah! I gave him my #, the correct one, for no reason @ all. I was in no way attracted to him & already feeling a way about the entire night.
Not to mention, I downed two glasses of Remy Martin & two other random drinks during the course of the night. But, I didn't feel it until shortly after I began driving home. Unfortunately, I am an emotional drunk, & mostly b/c I try my hardest to fight emotions when I'm sober. So, as I drove home, I allowed my mind to process how once again, I'd been deemed the "late night hype," the "easy one," the "freak".... whatever you want to call it. I begin to question why I always received the type of treatment that the aforementioned terms/phrases warrant. I was confused. I was hurt. I was lonely. My ego needed boosting. Also unfortunate about most of my drunken episodes, is that for the past 3 years, there has been a reoccurring character that receives my "No one cares about me," "I'm in love w/ you" phone calls. However, I knew that I couldn't call him b/c I knew that he wouldn't provide the answers or concern that I needed. Added to that, we exhausted the scope of our relationship a long time ago. So, I thought about the person that I'd mention in a previous post (I'm @ Peace), but due to the circumstances of our situation, I knew that it would cause more harm to my already shattered ego. So, I called "the source."
I realized that all the times that I'd EVER tried to reach out to a man, I was trying to reach out to him. I realized that I could never love a man, b/c I'd yet learned how to love him. I could never understand a man, b/c I'd yet to understand him. I called my father. & initially, I was just calling him to ask why men were the way that they were. I wanted to know what was it that I did to warrant advances that were sometimes totally disrespectful. & though I knew that it wasn't just me, I needed the comfort of someone that really cared about me to overshadow the actions of someone that really didn't. & as we began talking, thousands of pounds were lifted from my shoulders. Fears, concerns, experiences, & insecurities that I had no intention of revealing were revealed. I completely disclosed who I was to a person that I'd long assumed knew me. How could he not? I laughed, I cried, I exhaled.
We talked for more than two hours. I had enough consciousness to undress & get in the bed before I passed out into a drunken sleep. Unfortunately, I work up the next morning w/ the absolute worst hangover that I've ever experienced. I attempted a full day's work, but had to return home around 2 b/c I'd spent most of the day praying to the "porcelain god!" But, that morning, I called my daddy, & to my surprise, it was truly the start of a new relationship. He expressed his gratitude for the previous night's conversation, & said that he'd prayed for me that night & morning (the man doesn't even attend church). & each day since has been made anew b/c I honestly know that I have someone that has my back. I have someone that I can turn to in the midst of random confusion & frustration. I have someone that knows me, & wants to know more. I have someone willing to understand me.
So many of us fail to understand the importance of a father in our lives, & the lives of our children. I can't even begin to compare the value of a mother. But, the value that a father brings is so intangible, so misunderstood, & taken for granted. It's why we look for balance in our relationships as women. We want a man that is affectionate & emotional, but also strong, b/c that's what a father should be. It so important for a woman to be able to confide & trust in her father. So often, the baggage that we carry, men & women, is baggage from our childhood. For most of us, we didn't know how to convey our frustrations & confusions to our parents, especially our fathers. & sometimes it's b/c he's physically absent, & other times it's b/c he's emotionally absent. Whatever, the case may be, I pray that my testimony gives some insight into the importance of a relationship between a father & daughter.
Lately, he's been taking classes for an executive MBA program. Oddly enough, most of the books that he's been required to read are related to interpersonal relationships & leading a purposeful life. As a result, he's been much more emotionally aware & available.
This past Wednesday, I went out w/ my best friend to celebrate her birthday. Our "girl's night" was quickly interrupted by two random guys that invited themselves to sit @ our table. By the end of the night, I'd been tossed from guy# 1 who was married & from Atlanta to guy# 2 who was single & from Los Angeles. Unfortunately, I knew I could attribute most of the attention to the attire that I'd chosen for the night. Though I had considered it to be a "throw-on" choice, it honestly did not convey that. It was a slinky, metallic silver dress accompanied by silver, patent-leather f*ck me sandals. I now wish that I would've put on some different shoes @ least, but they were all I had to match the dress; however, it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyhow. So guy# 2 escorted my friends & I to our respective vehicles. Coincidentally, I was last. So, he of course, asked for my #, & gave me the whole spill about it being his last night & how he wanted to see me before he left.... blah, blah, blah! I gave him my #, the correct one, for no reason @ all. I was in no way attracted to him & already feeling a way about the entire night.
Not to mention, I downed two glasses of Remy Martin & two other random drinks during the course of the night. But, I didn't feel it until shortly after I began driving home. Unfortunately, I am an emotional drunk, & mostly b/c I try my hardest to fight emotions when I'm sober. So, as I drove home, I allowed my mind to process how once again, I'd been deemed the "late night hype," the "easy one," the "freak".... whatever you want to call it. I begin to question why I always received the type of treatment that the aforementioned terms/phrases warrant. I was confused. I was hurt. I was lonely. My ego needed boosting. Also unfortunate about most of my drunken episodes, is that for the past 3 years, there has been a reoccurring character that receives my "No one cares about me," "I'm in love w/ you" phone calls. However, I knew that I couldn't call him b/c I knew that he wouldn't provide the answers or concern that I needed. Added to that, we exhausted the scope of our relationship a long time ago. So, I thought about the person that I'd mention in a previous post (I'm @ Peace), but due to the circumstances of our situation, I knew that it would cause more harm to my already shattered ego. So, I called "the source."
I realized that all the times that I'd EVER tried to reach out to a man, I was trying to reach out to him. I realized that I could never love a man, b/c I'd yet learned how to love him. I could never understand a man, b/c I'd yet to understand him. I called my father. & initially, I was just calling him to ask why men were the way that they were. I wanted to know what was it that I did to warrant advances that were sometimes totally disrespectful. & though I knew that it wasn't just me, I needed the comfort of someone that really cared about me to overshadow the actions of someone that really didn't. & as we began talking, thousands of pounds were lifted from my shoulders. Fears, concerns, experiences, & insecurities that I had no intention of revealing were revealed. I completely disclosed who I was to a person that I'd long assumed knew me. How could he not? I laughed, I cried, I exhaled.
We talked for more than two hours. I had enough consciousness to undress & get in the bed before I passed out into a drunken sleep. Unfortunately, I work up the next morning w/ the absolute worst hangover that I've ever experienced. I attempted a full day's work, but had to return home around 2 b/c I'd spent most of the day praying to the "porcelain god!" But, that morning, I called my daddy, & to my surprise, it was truly the start of a new relationship. He expressed his gratitude for the previous night's conversation, & said that he'd prayed for me that night & morning (the man doesn't even attend church). & each day since has been made anew b/c I honestly know that I have someone that has my back. I have someone that I can turn to in the midst of random confusion & frustration. I have someone that knows me, & wants to know more. I have someone willing to understand me.
So many of us fail to understand the importance of a father in our lives, & the lives of our children. I can't even begin to compare the value of a mother. But, the value that a father brings is so intangible, so misunderstood, & taken for granted. It's why we look for balance in our relationships as women. We want a man that is affectionate & emotional, but also strong, b/c that's what a father should be. It so important for a woman to be able to confide & trust in her father. So often, the baggage that we carry, men & women, is baggage from our childhood. For most of us, we didn't know how to convey our frustrations & confusions to our parents, especially our fathers. & sometimes it's b/c he's physically absent, & other times it's b/c he's emotionally absent. Whatever, the case may be, I pray that my testimony gives some insight into the importance of a relationship between a father & daughter.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Reverand Al....
Man, Internet surfing is exhausting!! & I'm getting a glimpse of the world we know as "blogging," it's fierce. So many blogs, so little time. Anywho, ran across this article from The Black Informant (love that name), http://blackinformant.com .
Apparently, big companies pay Al Sharpton endorsements so they don't lose black business. Can you believe that?! Some even pay him to consult.... WTF?! I'm sorry, he is such a f*cking joke to me!! Most often, the antics that he displays to denounce whatever racists act that's been performed, is motivated by donations needed for his organization, NAN. So, the result isn't improvement or equality for black people, it's just money in his pocket.
During one of my epiphanic (I don't think that's a word, but doesn't it sound so serious!), "I need to be more involved" moments, I thought it would be a good idea to join a black, specifically civil rights, organization. I visited the NAACP's & NAN's website, & was sadly disappointed. & I realized, it's not civil rights that we need, it's education & leadership. It's not about marching or protesting anymore. We have to fight w/ our minds & everyday actions. We have to show intelligence & leadership in our careers, when we interact w/ people, & when we interact w/ one another. We have to stop finding & highlighting what's wrong w/ our people, & start highlighting what's right. We also have to start correcting ignorant behavior, immediately. We can't ignore or excuse ignorant behavior. We have to stop waiting on other people to solve our problems, or come to our rescue. Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson are not Batman & Robin. They are not our saviors. They aren't even our representatives, we are.
& it's not ok for us to only rally for high-profile events like Sean Bell's death & Jena 6, we need to rally for one another all the time. We need to support & encourage one another. Quite honestly, I believe that Al Sharpton's actions set us back. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like a damn circus. His flamboyance overshadows any intelligence he might possess. & most times, I can't help but to wish that he would just shut the hell up. & now knowing that his organization is basically funded by big corporations, I'm even more convinced that he has no genuine interests educating us, only exploiting us just as the corporations do. Matter of fact, the article stated that the Los Angeles chapter receives an undisclosed amount of donations, & they are not required by California law to report this information, so they conveniently transfer the funds to the headquarters in New York. O, & the damn idiot is 1.9 million dollars behind in payroll taxes. So, what is Mr. Sharpton doing w/ all the donations received??
So, the next time you hear of some unjust/prejudice act committed in your area, take action, before Al Sharpton gets there. Maybe, you and your community can reap the benefit before NAN hoards it all!!
Apparently, big companies pay Al Sharpton endorsements so they don't lose black business. Can you believe that?! Some even pay him to consult.... WTF?! I'm sorry, he is such a f*cking joke to me!! Most often, the antics that he displays to denounce whatever racists act that's been performed, is motivated by donations needed for his organization, NAN. So, the result isn't improvement or equality for black people, it's just money in his pocket.
During one of my epiphanic (I don't think that's a word, but doesn't it sound so serious!), "I need to be more involved" moments, I thought it would be a good idea to join a black, specifically civil rights, organization. I visited the NAACP's & NAN's website, & was sadly disappointed. & I realized, it's not civil rights that we need, it's education & leadership. It's not about marching or protesting anymore. We have to fight w/ our minds & everyday actions. We have to show intelligence & leadership in our careers, when we interact w/ people, & when we interact w/ one another. We have to stop finding & highlighting what's wrong w/ our people, & start highlighting what's right. We also have to start correcting ignorant behavior, immediately. We can't ignore or excuse ignorant behavior. We have to stop waiting on other people to solve our problems, or come to our rescue. Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson are not Batman & Robin. They are not our saviors. They aren't even our representatives, we are.
& it's not ok for us to only rally for high-profile events like Sean Bell's death & Jena 6, we need to rally for one another all the time. We need to support & encourage one another. Quite honestly, I believe that Al Sharpton's actions set us back. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like a damn circus. His flamboyance overshadows any intelligence he might possess. & most times, I can't help but to wish that he would just shut the hell up. & now knowing that his organization is basically funded by big corporations, I'm even more convinced that he has no genuine interests educating us, only exploiting us just as the corporations do. Matter of fact, the article stated that the Los Angeles chapter receives an undisclosed amount of donations, & they are not required by California law to report this information, so they conveniently transfer the funds to the headquarters in New York. O, & the damn idiot is 1.9 million dollars behind in payroll taxes. So, what is Mr. Sharpton doing w/ all the donations received??
So, the next time you hear of some unjust/prejudice act committed in your area, take action, before Al Sharpton gets there. Maybe, you and your community can reap the benefit before NAN hoards it all!!
Where do we go from here???
So, I have so much time on my hands right now that it's ridiculous... & I ran across this article on one of my new favorite sites, The Root. Read the article for yourself http://www.theroot.com/.
Anywho, so the article was about racism & inequality in France. & I'm thinking, "Who really likes black people?" Like, where in the world are we supposed to be, b/c apparently, we can't receive justice or equality any damn where. I mean, here it is 2008, & we're still experiencing "the first black" phenomenon. Like, earlier this year, NY elected the 1st black governor, David Patterson, to replace Elliot Spitzer. Also, this year, Mike Carey was the 1st black to referee a Super Bowl game, and Karen Bass was the 1st black woman elected Speaker of a State House of Representatives. So, we're still trying to pay our dues, & be reimbursed for all the inequality that we have experienced and continue to experience. But, when will we be freed from this debt? When will we be recognized as equal human beings? How come everything is spoon-fed to us? I mean, sure, there are some of us that are lagging behind, but do they account for the majority?
I've yet to visit Paris, but I know several people that have, & most of them admit that Paris is racist. The queen of television, Oprah Winfrey, even experienced it last year while shopping. So, even having billions of dollars doesn't warrant us fair treatment. & now we're witnessing Obama's climb to the top, but initially, most of us feared his ascension for concern that he'd be assassinated. I mean, racism is that serious, even in 2008. People don't like to talk about it, but know it's there. & I fear that it will never go away.
Funny thing is, African-Americans are not well-liked by Africans. So, we'd be treated differently in our own motherland. How crazy is that? Who are we that we can't even bond w/ our brothers & sisters? What has our stay in America done to our African pride & connection? Shit, we can't even get along here, in America. Check out my website, www.nista20682.com, for a poem dedicated to this very subject. So, where do we go?? Who do we turn to, & who are we really??
Anywho, so the article was about racism & inequality in France. & I'm thinking, "Who really likes black people?" Like, where in the world are we supposed to be, b/c apparently, we can't receive justice or equality any damn where. I mean, here it is 2008, & we're still experiencing "the first black" phenomenon. Like, earlier this year, NY elected the 1st black governor, David Patterson, to replace Elliot Spitzer. Also, this year, Mike Carey was the 1st black to referee a Super Bowl game, and Karen Bass was the 1st black woman elected Speaker of a State House of Representatives. So, we're still trying to pay our dues, & be reimbursed for all the inequality that we have experienced and continue to experience. But, when will we be freed from this debt? When will we be recognized as equal human beings? How come everything is spoon-fed to us? I mean, sure, there are some of us that are lagging behind, but do they account for the majority?
I've yet to visit Paris, but I know several people that have, & most of them admit that Paris is racist. The queen of television, Oprah Winfrey, even experienced it last year while shopping. So, even having billions of dollars doesn't warrant us fair treatment. & now we're witnessing Obama's climb to the top, but initially, most of us feared his ascension for concern that he'd be assassinated. I mean, racism is that serious, even in 2008. People don't like to talk about it, but know it's there. & I fear that it will never go away.
Funny thing is, African-Americans are not well-liked by Africans. So, we'd be treated differently in our own motherland. How crazy is that? Who are we that we can't even bond w/ our brothers & sisters? What has our stay in America done to our African pride & connection? Shit, we can't even get along here, in America. Check out my website, www.nista20682.com, for a poem dedicated to this very subject. So, where do we go?? Who do we turn to, & who are we really??
I'm @ Peace
So I, along w/ the rest of America, am reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth. I'm barely into the 2nd or 3rd chapter, but I've had to embrace a step-by-step approach w/ this book. It's so involved. It's so transforming. Amazingly, it's been somewhat of a bible for me. It's been ironic that as I've experienced day-to-day encounters, struggles, triumphs, & life lessons, I've been able to open the book on the page I last read & receive a message directly related to whatever I was experiencing @ that moment.
I've been very emotional & unsettled these past couple weeks. & the majority of this turmoil is related to someone that was in my life only a few months ago. As I read A New Earth last night, I decided to fully embrace Eckhart's observation in which he said that most of us are not @ peace b/c we're too busy blaming a situation or a person for our unhappiness. & while I didn't believe I was blaming this person for any unhappiness that I'd experienced these past couple weeks, I realized that this person was directly related to the turmoutuous feelings that I was experiencing. So, in a state of total consciousness & transformation, I decided to declare peace w/ this person. Just like an affirmation provided by some random self-help class, I declared, "I am at peace w/ ____."
I then began to determine what other areas I was unsettled w/ in my life. I determined that I was unsettled w/ my career & myself. My career is somewhat easy to grasp or understand. But myself... I realized that I was unsettled w/ myself b/c here I am in the midst of improvment, yet I'm so focused on the next plateau that I've forgotten to appreciate who I am now. I forgot to enjoy who I am now. B/c who I am now, is not who I was two & three months ago. So, I realized that I can no longer hold who I am now accountable for the actions of who I was months ago. I can't continue to judge & punish that person. That person is undoubtedly still a part of me, but has been defeated by who I have become & will continue to become. Amazing how it's harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive someone else....
I've been very emotional & unsettled these past couple weeks. & the majority of this turmoil is related to someone that was in my life only a few months ago. As I read A New Earth last night, I decided to fully embrace Eckhart's observation in which he said that most of us are not @ peace b/c we're too busy blaming a situation or a person for our unhappiness. & while I didn't believe I was blaming this person for any unhappiness that I'd experienced these past couple weeks, I realized that this person was directly related to the turmoutuous feelings that I was experiencing. So, in a state of total consciousness & transformation, I decided to declare peace w/ this person. Just like an affirmation provided by some random self-help class, I declared, "I am at peace w/ ____."
I then began to determine what other areas I was unsettled w/ in my life. I determined that I was unsettled w/ my career & myself. My career is somewhat easy to grasp or understand. But myself... I realized that I was unsettled w/ myself b/c here I am in the midst of improvment, yet I'm so focused on the next plateau that I've forgotten to appreciate who I am now. I forgot to enjoy who I am now. B/c who I am now, is not who I was two & three months ago. So, I realized that I can no longer hold who I am now accountable for the actions of who I was months ago. I can't continue to judge & punish that person. That person is undoubtedly still a part of me, but has been defeated by who I have become & will continue to become. Amazing how it's harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive someone else....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)